Thanksgiving Eve is that special night of the year when every asshole from high school is supposed find his or her way back home and hit up the shitty bar in the local bowling alley. No one’s bowling. That’s not even an option. Everyone’s buying overpriced beers from the nervous-looking cashiers. Hey, that guy’s in my Art History and Appreciation class. Goddamn community college. I’m not supposed to recognize people that I see on a regular basis. I thought up some interesting lies about myself to tell people, mostly to see if they were paying attention or not. I told one guy that I was digging up Indian burial grounds for a large developer. He said he does that same thing too and that we should collaborate. Fuck that guy. What he said was funnier than what I said.
Tonight, no one was at the bowling alley bar. Not literally “no one”, it was packed wall-to-wall with idiots, but none of the good type. In my past experiences, there was a goddamn onslaught of people from AP Spanish V or sophomore year Chemistry, either honestly eager or politely personable enough, to discuss the general basics of his or her life at the time and compare and contrast them with mine. This is what the whole night was for. Checking in. Checking up. This didn’t happen tonight. My most prominent thoughts were, “This sucks,” followed by, “I can’t wait to go home and go to sleep.” What does this all mean?
Why did I want people I didn’t really like coming up to me and asking me impersonal questions, while volunteering the same information about themselves? How is this better than walking around in a room full of people I either recognize and won’t talk to or people I don’t even know. Tonight I talked to maybe six people, if we’re being generous with the word talked. I didn’t care about most of these conversations. I usually never care about these conversations. But this year it was a different kind of apathy. I honestly didn’t want these people to exist. Or exist around me, to be a bit less sadistic. At least before, I kind of somewhat enjoyed speaking to people about their lives, though I wasn’t honestly interested in them. Talking to other people about their stupid lives is one way that we feel human. It’s one way to make sure that we’re all still people, doing normal people things. But I didn’t have this tonight.
Of course, though, I saw my first real high school crush with her boyfriend and my first real post-high school crush with her boyfriend. Yeah, they’re friends with each other. Shit like that always feels good. People always seem to look better than you remember them when you want them to look worse. The kind of looking good that makes you say, “Damn, why did she have to be so crazy?” But that’s just a thing people say to make themselves feel better about the whole situation. I guess one of them was crazy, technically and clinically or whatever, but the other one wasn’t crazy, she was awesome. I hate awesome people because they make you want to be a better person and I just don’t have that in me. I’d have to stop swearing so much. I’d have to lose weight and set “goals” and start a “career.” Wallowing in the post-teenage, twenty-something wasteland is much more my style.
Something was different tonight and I don’t know what it was. I felt disappointed. I think that I just wanted to pointlessly socialize with people that I don’t normally socialize with. Again I think that this humanizes me. I’m often inhuman. I often do not speak to people for large chunks of time, any people at all, unless I have to. I think perhaps I relish the opportunity to be the social butterfly, no matter how phony or contrived it may be. I’ve got friends and some of them are great, but sometimes I just want to talk to somewhat perfect strangers about their job and my lack of a degree.
Also, I love every cute girl. Goodnight.