On the rare occasion that I see a girl and consider the idea that she may be suitable for my courtship, my immediate reaction to that thought is usually to ask, “Oh wait, does she have her shit too much together?” Yes, that was too much together. I can handle not-at-all together and I can handle a-little-bit together, but there is no way in hell that I could handle a girl who has all of her shit completely, unquestionably together. And by “I couldn’t handle” I mean there’s no way any girl with her shit totally, all-encompassingly together would even look me in the eye, let alone allow me to buy her a nice Italian dinner (the classiest of dinners). If there is a girl who has a college degree, has an adult job (I guess these are called “full-time jobs”), knows where she wants to be in five years, and is relatively attractive, I feel like this person is a space alien. I feel like this person walks on the moon and reads epic novels and drinks fancy cocktails that I don’t even know exist. I feel like this person is a grown up and I am thirteen years old, eating pizza every other night and thinking idiot thoughts that start off like, “When I grow up, I wanna…” I need a girl who has good ideas and is smart and cute, but still a couple of years away from knowing that she is definitely totally for sure going to be a speech language pathologist at a Guatemalan refugee center after she finishes grad school. What the hell is grad school? That’s just more school, right? Who would do that on purpose? Where are the lovely ladies who want to watch pirated episodes of Homeland and marathon Party Down from start to finish on Netflix but it’d have to be her Netflix because I got rid of Watch Instant because I didn’t want to pay the extra $9? Where do people even go to get haircuts? I will forever remain in the dark as to how normal people live normal, adult lives.